Porta Potty

I was thinking tonight about the finer points of porta-potty etiquette. Although there are undoubtedly many varying personal preferences and techniques, I am quite sure pretty much everyone, unless they are a piglet, adheres to the same basic porta-pooper principles. I have decided to list and explain them here so that anyone not familiar with these venerable and well-loved devices might, on the occasion they meet one, understand a little about the way one goes about their business in one. Keep in mind that during my research for this quality informational piece of literature, I did not in fact interview anyone (That would just be weird), so the information contained herein is based on my vast personal experiences coupled with uncanny perception and intuition into the vast world of all potties portable.
Let us begin with the proper attire required to execute clean and safe porta-potty operations. Of course, based on what climate one may be in, I truly believe that the fewer clothes, the better. Bulky outer garments are at best a pain, and can become downright dangerous if one tries to remove them in the limited space available in that smelly little place. I have had severe scares when the urinal attempted to attack my coat sleeve or other piece of garment. Once, a particularly angry urinal knocked the hat off my head, and it fell on the floor. Terrible things, those urinals!
Shoes, or some form of foot covering, are a must (I personally prefer hip waders). The floors can be downright swampy, equipped with appropriate swamp wildlife waiting to suck you in and devour you. Once while in Kuwait, I observed a gentleman emerge from his tent in a stately manner, saunter over to a convenient crapper, and step in. Nothing too unusual about that, except that he was… “GASP”… BAREFOOT! I shudder even now thinking about it. Let me explain to you, my dear readers, why this seemingly minor act was in fact nothing less than an uncouth atrocity. Conveniently placed on the wall of the aforementioned semi-sturdy little structure, there is a urinal large enough that a horse that can’t even really see where he is peeing could do a pretty good job of making it all go into the urinal (assuming that he could fit himself into the porta-potty, of course). Somehow, humans of the male gender have had some evil genetic handicap installed that apparently physically prevents them from actually aiming all of their pee into the urinal, thus depositing copious quantities onto the floor/wall/toilet seat/anything available. Thusly the floors, as you can now see, can be quite horrific places indeed.
Now that proper attire has been discussed, we shall now delve into the unsavory, yet very necessary subject of porta-toilet technique. Due to the inability of males to properly utilize the urinal (sometimes they decide to avoid the urinal all together) the toilet seat can, on occasion, be almost as deadly as the floor. This poses a difficult problem if you have to go number 2. I have heard rumor of a “technique” to utilize the potty referred to as the “hover”, where one “hovers” one’s “fanny” over the toilet seat and conducts their business as usual. I have considered this “technique” at length, even gone as far as to create a mock-up porta-potty in a safe area (it would be foolish for one to attempt such a potentially dangerous operation without first conducting extensive rehearsals in a controlled environment) to attempt to make the mechanics of this “technique” work. I cannot, however I may try, seem to make this “technique” work for me. To perform the “hover” one must begin by placing one hand behind them on the back wall to lean against, causing an uncomfortable half-twist of their torso (I call this maneuver the twist-lean) which is not at all conducive to the comfort level required to do number 2. Compounding this discomfort is the necessity for one to perform a hunker-squat in addition to the aforementioned twist-lean requiring considerable strength in the thigh and buttock muscles. These muscles, as I am sure you are very aware, are indeed the very muscles that must be highly relaxed to perform a satisfactory number 2 maneuver. After examining every angle (very unpleasant, I assure you) of this “hover”, I have dismissed this “technique” as a false solution created by the porta-potty to sucker a unsuspecting victim into it’s evil dirty clutches.
”What can one do”, You might ask? Well, dear reader, my personal technique is tried and true, and widely accepted by fellow connoisseurs in the porta-potty community. Immediately upon entering the potty, I assess the toilet paper situation. This is very important for three reasons: The first is that approximately one roll is required to wipe off the toilet seat. Keep in mind that enough should be wadded up in your hand to keep your fingers protected by approximately one inch of toilet paper. If done correctly, the wad should loosely resemble a small pillow in size and shape. Once the toilet seat is quite dry, carefully drop the toilet paper pillow into the toilet-hole, aiming for the center of the action area. The toilet paper pillow, at this point, provides two benefits: First, It covers the unsightly mess that previous crapper connoisseurs have left, and secondly, provides the foundation for what I like to call the “poo decelerator”. When one uses the porta-potty, one’s rear-end is approximately ten feet above the “blue water” deposited into the poo receptacle by the porta potty service people. The medium of water is selected by the poo people as a sick joke, because they know that poo , no matter how far the drop, achieves a velocity approaching Mach 1 at entry of the “blue water” causing a tsunami inside an enclosed space which leaves the water only one place to go… up. This results in a condition known as “Blue Water Butt” or “Splash Back” which is acutely uncomfortable for the potty user and highly humorous to the poo people. To avoid this misfortune, one must use a second roll of tissue to build a toilet paper pyramid to decelerate the potentially dangerous poo to a safe velocity for blue water entry. A pyramid is a perfect geometrical shape to safely absorb high-velocity impacts, so it is important that time (if available) and care (always important) should be invested in its proper construction. This is the second reason for an adequate toilet paper supply. The third reason is the fact that anytime that one must use a porta-potty, one’s body decides that gastrointestinal difficulties are a great idea, resulting in the need for a substantial quantity of toilet paper to satisfactorily clean oneself.
No matter what your personal technique may be, the fundamentals remain the same: proper attire, adequate toilet paper supply, proper wipe-down, and the ever important poo decelerator. Within the confines of these fundamentals, much freedom can be found to develop individual style which enhances one’s porta potty technique, making each visit to the pooper more memorable than the last.